2017-10-06 19:15:07 UTC
“Staying alive” is probably my favorite hobby. It’s fun and exciting and
exhilarating, and it literally keeps my heart rate up. And as a black man in
America, a great and efficient way of finding time and space to partake in
my favorite pastime is by avoiding unnecessary interactions with raccoons,
undercooked chickens, shitty barbers, Ray Lewis and racist white people.
Unfortunately, it can sometimes be hard to distinguish regular ol’ white
people from racists—especially when the racists leave their “MAGA” hats at
home—so I have to take the information I’ve learned over three decades of
interactions with them and profile the fuck out of them. Sometimes my
stereotypes are wrong, sometimes they’re right, but as long as I can keep
playing my favorite hobby, I don’t give a shit!
Anyway, there are actually quite a few seemingly race-neutral behaviors
white people do that give me pause—items they might possess or things they
might do that make me think, “Yeah, he might be a racist, so I’m just gonna
assume he’s probably a racist. Because hobbies.” Below are my 10 favorites.
1. Is Overtly Patriotic: We discussed this already last month, but the
number of American flags within a white person’s vicinity has a direct
correlation to the number of times they’ve referred to Hardee’s as “nigger
2. Drives a Pickup Truck: Ironically, I love pickup trucks. I have daydreams
about driving cross-country to Arizona with nothing but a Ford F-150, a pack
of sandwiches and a faithful dog named Gander. With Gander by my side, we’d
get into adventures, solve mysteries and drink whiskey with women named
after geographical locations. I haven’t told my wife about this fantasy yet,
but she might read this eventually. So, um, surprise!
3. Wears Any Sort of Camo: I don’t know why (some) white people are so
obsessed with camouflage. They still make up, like, 70 percent of the
country. If they want to blend in so badly, they can just name themselves
“Mike” and just ... get a job somewhere.
4. Loves Dogs: Look, I know dog lovers are generally good people, and
usually better people than cat people. But if I check your Facebook or
Twitter profile and your avatar is a dog, I’m, like, 60 percent certain you’ve
trained that dog to bite darkies.
5. Loves Sports but Hates the NBA: I’m not saying that everyone who hates
the NBA is racist. But every racist definitely, absolutely hates the NBA.
6. Hunts: YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ME, JAKE; I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE “HUNTING”
POSSUM, BUT YOU’RE REALLY PRACTICING FOR A RACE WAR.
7. Regularly Eats at Cracker Barrel: Irony strikes again, because the
food—particularly the breakfast food—at Cracker Barrel is fucking awesome. I’d
eat there every day if I had a way to burn off the 17,000 calories I’d gain
doing it. Unfortunately, when I’m there, every white person in there
automatically becomes Jeff Sessions in my head. Which is why I take my food
8. Watches Sons of Anarchy: I’ve never seen a minute of that show, but I do
see a lot of white men and women getting out of pickups to go eat at Cracker
Barrel while wearing Sons of Anarchy shirts, which makes it racist by
9. Lives Somewhere With No Immediate Neighbors: This factoid is proof that
Get Out was definitely fiction. Ain’t no nigga on earth spending a weekend
alone with neighborless white people.
10. Has a Strong-as-Fuck Regional Accent: Doesn’t matter where you’re from:
Boston, Alabama, Indiana—wherever. If you’re white and you don’t enunciate
consonants, I’m keeping my eyes on you and your damn dog.